Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline