It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
You Might Also Like
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Education is vital
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
23. the denim jacket
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I wish I could veto my bills.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup