If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
men are simple creatures
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
when revenge coincides with naptime
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
mom had nothing to worry about
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.