I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
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Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Milk Cube
Is this a threat?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.