The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)