oh you like architecture? name three walls
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My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
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Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Bruh PLEASE
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.