*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive