By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
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Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Anyone want a chair?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day