The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
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The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…