Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
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WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life