He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
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If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I am yelling