Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
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At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next