JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined