Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.