“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Wait a minute…
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
had to make it
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
When someone says you are so lazy
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me: