If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.