[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I came this close!!!!
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder