Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
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I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson