can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
You Might Also Like
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.