god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.