Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
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*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.