Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
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My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Just say no
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Xylophonist Shredding It