11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
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It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
cause of death:
autopsy.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Found the job I’m suited for
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly