me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
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You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I bet birds love this building.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?