Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.