Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
house sitting!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
very niche meme I made
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive