I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.