shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
You Might Also Like
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
A classic…
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
had to share :’)
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish