This is my pinned tweet
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*power walks to the refrigerator*
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Those are good neighbors.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I need a headline like this
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich