Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.