i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
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Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Somebody’s lying.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”