This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
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Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.