goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
✌️
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
*ernest hemingway voice*
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit