I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
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“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
stand with me against insufficient seating