Something Saturday.
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I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth