Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall