*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
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So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne