Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
My dad.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”