Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
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Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
No, he would not have.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
do u think theres a butter planet?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?