me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
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I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
groan^2
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
When you’ve simply given up.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.