My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
When ur friends with white people
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!