Single and childfree like Jesus
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
huge if true: the moon
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on