Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney