On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
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TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Holy crap this is wonderful
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity