professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
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On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.