I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.