Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
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Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
me, after any kind of buffet.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic