I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
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As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Dietest Coke
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Who.
Did.
This?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I…do not understand how electricity works.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
That’s incredible! 👌
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.