I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?