Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.